Why I need therapy

Why I need therapy

YOU go to therapy? A therapist going to therapy? Why? What’s wrong with YOU? I thought you were the one who was supposed to have it all together. YOU were the one who was supposed to be helping other people? Isn’t that what they pay you for???

We chuckled about this when I was talking with a therapist colleague of mine. She had just told her mother she was seeing a therapist and she shared her mother’s reactions to this news.

When I was growing up, the therapy stigma was far worse than it is today. You had to be “crazy” to need therapy. Crazy meant, you had to be delusional or suicidal or homicidal.

I’m none of those and I go to therapy…and here’s why. When I run up against a situation where I find myself feeling unexplainably anxious, insecure or confused for no logical reason, I realize I am having a neurological historical reaction, a cellular memory that takes me out of present time, right back into my history. My mind becomes cloudy and confused and I can’t assess the situation with objectivity.

I’ll give you an example from my life…I have a friend who I deeply enjoy spending time with. She is often unavailable, inconsistent in returning my phone calls or emails and then pops up when she’s ready to interact without acknowledging the attempts I have made for communication with her and gotten no response.

When she is available and I do get to spend time with her, I have progressed to being able to enjoy her company and be neutral about her lack of follow up. This is progress for me!

However, there were often times in the past and there are still occasionally times when she doesn’t respond to my reaching out and that old feeling comes back and I feel a bit lost at sea. I’m confused, I can’t find my footing. I question whether or not I’m important to her. My feelings get hurt, I feel disappointed, I want validation and acknowledgment and it’s not forthcoming. I feel a knee jerk desire to do “tit for tat” and not return her calls either “just so she can see how it feels.” This is my internal reactivity. I feel like I’m 12 years old and being left out from the popular clique, not good enough, etc. etc. etc.

Now here’s the key I discovered when I brought this to therapy…I feel like I’m 12. What was going on when I was 12? My home life was a mess. My parents were divorcing, my father died in suicide shortly after the divorce proceedings began, we moved to a new school, I had no friends etc. etc. etc. No one talked to me about how to adjust. No one guided me in how to make new friends. We didn’t discuss the grieving process of losing a parent. Change and support during transitions was nonexistent.

Fast forward to adult land. When my close friend, the one with whom I can have deep intimate, heart felt conversations, withdraws, I feel lost at sea, much like I did when I was 12. The loss of the intimate relationship with my father, the confusion of not knowing how to grieve, how to behave or what to think, was never explained. The cellular memory of feeling “lost at sea” when my intimate support isn’t available in my adult relationship, brings me right back to feeling like I’m 12 years old. I’m not stupid. Even though I understand intellectually that it’s not personal, my friend loves me, she’s going through her own challenges, my 12 year old emotional trauma body kicks up and I feel hurt and helpless.

Therapy and Energy Healing Therapy lets me rewire the past cellular memory of “lost at sea” into present time okay-ness. This is why I need therapy. This is how therapy helps me. It frees me to feel and behave like an adult in an adult relationship. The anxious fearful feelings diminish. I can have all the fulfillment and richness of an intimate friendship without disappointments making me want to run away and end the relationship. I can even share my awareness of my fears and reactivity with my friend, without being terrified that she’ll abandon me.

Couples frequently look to each other to be the healing parent they never got. Couples frequently get very stuck here. In fact a predominance of divorces happens because we unknowingly look to our partner to provide the emotional healing support our parents never gave us. There is a way to have the support you need, to grow up the parts of your internal emotional reactivity, mood swings, temper tantrums, depression and helplessness into the fulfillment potentially available to you in adult relationships.

If you find yourself having emotional reactivity in your relationships “even though you know better,” a good therapist and especially a good Energy Healing Therapist, can help you catch up past reactivity, to present time. Check out our Find a Healer page on our website to find a good Energy Healing Therapist. http://lionheartinstitute.com/find-a-healer/

Laura Fine, LMFT

Laura Fine, LMFT

Lionheart Founder, Laura L. Fine