I promise to love you – hate you – for the rest of my life

That’s what the marriage vows should really say, “I promise to love you/hate you for the rest of my life.” That would be more honest. Or perhaps the vows should say, “I promise to stay in the ring with you even when it’s hard, even when I want to bolt.” Or how about, “I promise to tell you I want to have an affair BEFORE I have one,” or “I’m getting all clingy because I’m avoiding becoming more self-responsible about committing to growing out of my comfort zone and just depending on you.”


Every nook and cranny of our personality limitations shows up in our closest relationships. The limitations we reject about ourselves, we PROJECT onto our most significant others. That’s why we hurt the people we love, the most.


For example, I can’t stand it that my partner is never on time for anything. We commit to going to a function together and he/she gets home late so we won’t leave the house on time. I find it abhorrent to be late, it’s disrespectful!


So how is it that I am rejecting something about myself and projecting it onto my partner when I am never late?


I may have a hidden agenda that shows up in my perfectionistic vehemence about being on time. Perhaps I reject the right to be flexible, or I am fearful when I don’t have control over others, or I feel I am defined by someone else’s behavior. I REJECT the right to be imperfect so I PROJECT that onto you!


That doesn’t make it okay for my partner to be late, but if I look closely at the topic, my tension may contribute to a lack of flexibility, not allow us to work together to discriminate on decisions about what functions require us to be on time and what functions may have wiggle room.


Moral of the story:

  1. When you find yourself in emotional reactivity about something that makes you angry, hurts your feelings or makes you want to bolt, take a closer look at how you are pointing the finger at your significant other. You may possess that same flaw but slightly disguised.
  2. If you can’t find the characteristic you don’t like about them, in yourself, look for the opposite characteristic. For example if they are too sloppy, perhaps you are too rigid.
  3. When you take responsibility for making inner space for the other person’s flaws, you make more inner space for your own flaws too and the entire dynamics of your relationship will change!

Laura Fine Laura L Fine, Lionheart Founder

Managing emotional reactivity in your relationships is part of the healing process. Lionheart Institute of Transpersonal Energy Healing teaches you how to heal yourself, facilitate healing for others and build a career as an Energy Healing Counselor. Lionheart offers a FREE introductory course each month. To sign up for the next one go to http://lionheartinstitute.com/energy-healing/.