Why I Hurt the Ones Closest to Me the Most

(This story is fictional based in real issues from real people and real circumstances.)

Cindy was a student in the Lionheart personal growth classes. She signed up because she felt cold and cut off from her emotions and wanted that to be different. Half way through her training Cindy requested a couple’s session. Cindy and Bob are great parents to two young kids they both adore, 4 and 6 years old. Bob had an affair and Cindy found out about it. Cindy was devastated. Her emotional reactivity to this was to shut Bob out completely. She wanted a divorce. No negotiations, no discussion. He had betrayed her, the end.

Bob wanted to work it out. He didn’t want to divide the home and was afraid of the impact on the kids. Bob was a great minimizer. To him the affair was no big deal. A one-time roll in the hay with a former house keeper. Bob was also a sex-addict in recovery for many years. He re-committed to going back to recovery meetings, to working his 12 step program and working with his therapist.

Cindy was a great maximizer. She didn’t believe him. She was aware of his promiscuous history before they married and she admitted that a part of her was “just waiting for this to happen.”

Turns out every time they had a disagreement, Cindy would cut off communication, Bob would feel left dangling and take his hurt feelings out to others who would give him the warmth and attention he was seeking. Being seductive was the way he knew of how to cope with the rejection he felt from Cindy.

When Cindy and Bob sat face to face in our couple’s session together, Cindy had to do the work of expressing her fears and needs to Bob with her heart open. This was the scary part for Cindy because in her history, her father left her mother for another woman. Her mother was a crier and a complainer and Cindy took a silent vow to never be like her annoying mother. For Cindy that meant holding all her needs inside and never talking about them. Initially Bob saw that quality as really strong and sexy but ultimately he wanted to know the vulnerable side she refused to expose. As a result he felt rejected and lonely.

For Bob, it meant coming to Cindy and being willing to tell her that he’s finding himself checking out other women and he doesn’t want to do that. He had to become willing to do the scary work of asking her for warmth and emotional support even when she seemed to him, it would be like talking to a wall. The very gesture Cindy needed from Bob was to reach out and demonstrate he truly cared for her. Because he refused to extend himself, Cindy felt he was being selfish and as a result she too felt rejected and lonely.

Cindy had an epiphany in one of her Lionheart classes’ right around this time. We were working with energy boundaries and she had a spontaneous memory. Cindy always felt distant from her mother who was constantly complaining and negative. However Cindy felt very close to her father and felt free to express her love to him with unabashed enthusiasm. Cindy recalled a defining moment in her budding sexuality at the age of 13 years when she had just brought home her first report card of all straight A’s. She rushed toward her father with open hearted love and joy to hug him. Her father abruptly stopped her and yelled, “You’re way too big to be acting like a child with me. Look at you, you have boobs now!”

Cindy had never seen her father behave this way before. She took his comment as a derogatory rejection of her innocence and sexuality. Her reaction was to create an “energy wall” of protection to manage the devastating feelings. In that moment she remembered making a silent vow to, never again reveal her desire for his loving embrace.

In that moment, in that memory in the classroom, she recognized that the wall both protected her from the fear of further possible rejection but also isolated her from receiving affection. With this new adult awareness, the wall melted, she sobbed huge sighs of relief and her heart opened like a flower.

About a year later, I got a call from Cindy saying how great she and Bob were doing and how grateful they were to be able to stay in their relationship.

The hidden truth of relationships lives in the energy body of our history. In the Lionheart classes you have the opportunity to change your history and change your adult relationships.

Laura Fine Laura L Fine, Lionheart Founder

If you need additional support in breaking body/mind patterns and managing emotional reactivity, remember this is part of a healing process. Lionheart Institute of Transpersonal Energy Healing teaches you how to heal yourself, facilitate healing for others and build a career as an Energy Healing Counselor. Lionheart offers a FREE introductory course each month. To sign up for the next one go to http://lionheartinstitute.com/energy-healing/.

Photo credits: www.mixcrate.com and www.psychologytoday.com